Small Victories

“Victory is won not in miles but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later, win a little more.” ~Louis L'Armour

Self-improvement can be a daunting task, especially in the midst of depression. I look at all the self-improvement gurus filling the book shelves of the local book store, I see the vast number of blogs and websites devoted to self-improvement projects.  The experts come from a myriad of backgrounds--some had the advantage of being driven and disciplined from the get go and they simply share what works for them, others had to hit rock bottom and crawl their way to the top.  I'm in the latter category.

If you were to take a snap shot of my life right now, you might rule me out as a failure. I'm overweight obese.  I'm on medications for depression and anxiety.  I'm unemployed. Yet, I am comfortable talking about and sharing self-improvement with anyone that will listen.

Why?

Self-improvement/lifestyle change is all about the small victories.  Small victories can win battles over time.  The key is recognizing when you have gained ground and understand that now you have to hold it.

This is where I place myself in the picture, three months ago I was drowning in depression.   The slightest interruption to my day could bury me.  I felt so fragile, so completely helpless.  I once started out a day with the ambition to clean house only to discover that we were out of garbage bags, it was as if someone had knocked on my door, pointed to a body in the road and asked me, "Is that your dog?"  Instead of getting in the car and going to the store for more bags, I spent the rest of the day laying on the couch, wondering how I was going to make it until bedtime.

Between then and now many battles have been waged, I've won more than I've lost.  I steadily gain ground, even if on occasion I have had to give some.

I began my fighting back with a whimper. I said I felt fragile, nothing could describe the feeling more accurately. I loaded my iPod with new age music and meditations.  I sought out the doctor and took, Xanax, Paxil, and Zoloft every day.  I avoid confrontation and expectations and I began researching ways to overcome depression.

I have a background in education and I recalled Maslow's "Hierarchy of Needs".  He basically says that before a person can move on to the higher levels of living-the needs of the body must be met first.  This seemed to make sense, as most of the advice seemed to call for exercise.  So this is where I began.

I waited for my medicine to kick in, took my iPod full of relaxing music and made my way to a local gym. I found a treadmill and started it on its lowest setting and I walked.  The next day I did the same.  And the next and the next.  I had begun the battle, although I wouldn't have described it as such yet.  I still hadn't discovered I had enemies.  I felt more as if I was trying to remain afloat.

The thing about treadmills and calm music is that it allows your mind to wander.  One day, my mind happened to wonder to ancient Greece.  I had been thinking about an article I had read from a blog called Aristotle & Achilles, the author writes, in his about page, that we all have a little of Aristotle and a little of Achilles within us. I had been reading up on Aristotle, because I wanted to learn about "The Good Life".  I was hoping to save myself through an understanding of the principals that wisdom would suggest leads to a quality life.  I had not thought about Achilles or a warrior aspect.

Treading on that mill, I saw myself as a grey-haired prisoner.  I philosopher locked away, whispering, "I know what the good life is, I just can't live it locked away in here." I wasn't alone though, not if I also had an Achilles within.  Long ago, I had hidden my Achilles side a way.  Achilles is brash, he says things that would get a person in trouble, hardly a person you would highlight as a figure of civility.  In other words, I was embarrassed by the notion of being uncivil and had long ago abandoned aggressive thoughts. In return, when my personal internal enemies appeared, I was left to defend myself with nothing but a philosopher.

But, like any good hero, when I finally realized I needed him, he came to the rescue.  My enemies were put at bay, the philosopher was set free and I realize I have a team of personas to help me live a quality life.  One, a philosopher to help me peer into the questions of a higher matter, the other, a warrior, to kick ass whenever an enemy rears it's ugly head.  And so the war has begun, and I continue to both gain ground when I can, and hold my own when needed.