I figure the best way to start the first real posting on parenting should begin with a reflection on Big Sis, since she is the one that drove me to look for new parenting ideas. Two years ago I took a vow of marriage. My wife and I specifically included Big Sis in the ceremony because we were wanted to commit ourselves to becoming a family. With this intent, I decided that I would become a father to Big Sis. I made a commitment to loving her as I would my own child. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I did not know then what it means to love a child, let alone what it would mean to willingly love another child within the same capacity as your own. If I had known that it would involve a constant fear of the worst. An indescribable depth of emptiness when you leave them. A looming guilt that somehow you aren't doing the best for your child. A constant fear of the worst. Numerous flights into fantasy about how awesome doing such and such would be. The let down when such and such doesn't prove to be as awesome as you thought. Did I mention a constant fear of the worst? Had I known
committing to loving a child meant all of that I might have had second thoughts. But, I didn't know and I made the commitment. So I went in with guns a blazing.
Big Sis doesn't care so much for the guns a blazing approach. She spent the first eleven years of her life with a mother that was her friend. Mom has admitted she felt guilty about not staying with Big
Sis's biological father and tried to be Big
Sis's friend. Being a teacher and having been trained in classroom management and all that good stuff I thought, "Hey, no problem. I'll come in and explain what I expect and lay out the consequences for unwanted behavior and that will be that. Adult speaks, child listens. As it is, adult spoke, and child not only didn't listen, child didn't care. Several therapists later... we were convinced that Big Sis was a special case. Despite opposing use of behavior medications in children, I was ready to see Big Sis happily medicated and ready to comply with the rules of the house. Only problem, new drugs or not, Big Sis wasn't ready to comply. Since the drugs didn't work we carefully weaned her from them and tried a new tactic. I "LAID DOWN THE LAW". I was serious, CAPS LOCK serious. The lines were drawn and if she crossed them in the slightest, she would reap the consequences-a grounding one day at a time. Big
Sis's first encounter with the LAW left her grounded for the better part of four months, issued to her one day at a time for each continued offence. Her main offence was disobeying an order to go to her room.
I know well that the punishment should fit the crime, and no where in the world would four months of grounding match up with not going to the room. Then again, no where in the world would I believe that a child would willingly defy going to a room when they know that each defied order earns them another day of being grounded. I couldn't let her stay grounded for four months for not going to her room, but I also needed to follow through with what I said or lose credibility. So, I sought ways for her to earn her way out of four months and in the mean time I continued my strict laws. I admit that with some hard-hearted consistencies I managed to get Big Sis to
listen to me a little more than she listens to Mom. But here is the thing. Yes, she was obeying me more than Mom, but she was coming to resent me more. I was in many ways willing to tolerate that. I figured that she may not appreciate my attempts to help her become more responsible and respectful now, but she might in the future.
The truth is, I grew up with a mix of both respect and fear of my parents and I cannot recall ever being that defiant of them. I know I as all teens are was
disrespectful and tried as hard as I could to establish my
boundaries but I never had to go to the
lengths that Big Sis did. I compared my childhood to hers and concluded that the psychologist were right, she ought to be drugged up and we need to take care of her behavioral problems by any means necessary. Then something happened, she was busted for shoplifting. Since the store didn't press charges we felt she lucked out. We felt she needed some consequences so we gave her an option. We could call up a judge and ask what the typical sentencing was for shoplifting and make her serve that or she could take 40 hour of community service, during which time she was grounded to the house. Mom and I figured that if she was going to partake in something that would cost the community with increase prices she ought to give back to the community. She chose the 40 hours. I am proud of the consequence for this action, but I must confess one problem. It is difficult to find places willing to let a 13-year old do community service. The local park became very clean as she was out picking up trash almost daily. I later decided to grant her community service hours for doing her homework. I gave her half a credit for each hour she studied and I
justified it because if she is educated she will get a good job and become a contributing member of the community.
She worked hard to finish her 40 hours and raised her grades
immensely. During that time I saw an improvement in her attitude towards us and thought she was really starting to mature and behave as we wanted. I made a conscious effort to reward this behavior and went out of my way to make sure she recognized that we appreciated the new change in her. I thought I was big stuff. I had laid down the law and it worked, Big Sis was listening to me, she was getting good grades, and the fighting had come to almost nothing. As she wrapped up her forty hours of service we started granting her
privileges and I going the extra mile to be nice to her.
She exploded and treated Mom and I with a new level of
disrespect. I took great offense and became quite
angry. I was tired. For two years I had worked at establishing clear
boundaries and rules, because as a teacher this is what I was
taught.
Children need to know the
boundaries and how far they can go or they don't feel safe. I tried establishing that and it came back to haunt me. Big Sis has constantly reminded me that I am not her father. She dug even deeper and said somethings that really cut, and I was done.
I wanted nothing more to do with her. I had been going out of my way to do something really nice for and was treated as the monster for the effort.
Last week I was ready to give up. I had tried all that I had knew and did the best I could but I felt like we had gotten no further with Big Sis than on the day that I met her. I was angry and hurt. I had tried so hard to love this child and I had tried hard to guide her towards some logical behaviors that would help her be successful later on. My reward was pain. I was hurt by my attempts to go out of my way to do nice things. Before I did quite though I started
researching step-parenting skills. My research brought some good ideas and it is where I came up with the idea to start a blog.
I learned much from other parents and step-parents. The number one thing I learned is that as a stepparent I shouldn't be the disciplinarian. I busted out the rules and expected her to listen to me as if she were my own child. To which, she was eager to remind me that I'm not her dad. I expected her to learn the rules and values that I was
taught. When she didn't meet my expectations I became angry. When she sensed my anger she became defensive and said cruel things. Now, I was hurt and angry and the cycle continued as we both bent our wills toward getting what we wanted. Then I learned what the first step to becoming a good stepparent. Be the child's friend first. Take the time to be a friend and let that relationship grow before trying to be a dad. I had gone two years without taking the proper first step.
Was it possible to start over with her? Could I step aside and let Mom do the disciplining? I had to try, because I still have four and a half years in this house with her and I don't want to spend it hating each other. So, before I could begin the first step I had to start over. I did so by asking Big Sis to forgive me. It wasn't easy. She didn't want to "talk" she assumed it would be the same lectures she had heard over and over. I had to assure her that I wasn't going to lecture. I explained what I wanted between the two of us and then asked her to forgive me for wanting to give up on her.
Did it work? If you were looking for a magical solution I am sorry to disappoint. She did forgive me and we began talking. She has even been more helpful around the house. But, it hasn't stopped her from talking back or defying orders. When her behavior gets out of hand, I have a hard time staying out of it and letting Mom work through the problem, but I must. Once I remind myself that her behavior is Mom's
responsibility and not mine I can step back from the situation and I no longer need to get angry.
Just this morning Big Sis was late for school. Her tardiness was intentional and it briefly got under my skin, but the moment passed when I realized that Mom had to step in. I detached from the fight that was going on and got the car ready and waited patiently for Mom and Big Sis to work through their fight. Big Sis came to the car angry, because she is grounded to her room tonight so that she can get to bed earlier. I could tell she was bracing herself for the typical lecture that would normally follow. I gave none. I drove in silence for most of the way and then asked her about her track meet this evening. I got a brief response and she went silent again, but you could see she was a little more at ease.
Hopefully this new approach will prove effective. I will update this from time to time.
